Prologue I wasn't quite sure what was going on, but who's sure of anything anymore? I mean, it is queer being a six-year-old and seeing your IT father coding and drinking espresso at 3 A.M. several days straight. It went from two days, to a week, to ten days. I finally asked him about it. He shrugged it off. "Work." That dreaded word again. But work only asked for certain hours, not early morning. Not even a bonus job made sense for that time period – the truth needed to be said. And it had not been said. I just knew it.
Chapter 1
I am now 12, and yet he is still doing it – typing, face-planting into his hand, and then furiously typing away again. He still shrugs questions away, and I still pester him about it. Then, one day, he left me at the house alone, since mother was not here anymore. I went to his computer and found the code, which was not yet complete, and I pressed enter. I must warn you, never press that key on unknown code. It will take you to a weird world in a weird universe.
Whoosh! I felt my body turn to dust, and watched as it floated with my spirit. It rushed me past stars and planets, me not feeling or even breathing. As I continued floating, I saw my favorite dream world materializing out of the darkness – the world of living drinks, who were unopened and full, waiting to not come to our planet, though they always end up on earth. Yet, there it was, oh my, now my feet are touching the roiling ground. “Gurgle!” A baby, known as a Squirt, cried. “Cool down!” The mother, a Dr. Pepper, cooed, glaring at a Pibb across the street. I smiled. The Squirt was actually cute, but it screamed when it saw me. The mother did the same, running into a Mtn. Dew on the way away from me. The Mtn. Dew waved me in its direction. “Do ye nae ken where ya belong, Sprite? Get back to the forsaken’ planet o’ yours.” “I cannot," I replied to the Mtn. Dew, who squirted at me. He missed. “Bladders stop workin’ at me age,” it started, “so I got meself a tin can instead.” “I cannot believe it.” “Yes you can.” “I can not. Not in sprite of everything.” “True. Head to the big scraper over there.” He pointed to a big building in the distance. I nodded and went.
"Hello." I looked around for the origin of the word once the door closed, and I saw that it was a very skinny Pepsi. "Welcome." I stared. He - no, it - was empty, just a can as it was. It shocked me that it still lived, if you can call it living. "Please go to the 7th room on the 3rd floor of the 90th building on 16th street." I nodded to the intoning can and walked out, finding signs and following the required ones to the destination. I ended up meeting the Mayor of the city, which was called the Canner's village, being small in their standards. "Well, Leo, thank you for coming. We have a mission for you, and only you, and it is this: find the last straw. The last mayor banished them, and I hope that the final straw may bear more straws, because, you see, it helps sales. Especially with the Capri-Suns." The mayor paused and, well, looked into my eyes. It was not actually looking, but it saw somehow, like it was a spirit that needed no eyes. He continued, "On that occasion may you return home, and in that instance only." The door opened, and I walked out, confused, dire, and excited all at once. I did then, of course, ask the desk as to a general place to find the straw, and they gave me a map with a circle around a very large forest. As I walked away, my stomach growled, and a door-can took pity and gave me some soup, which was hearty and delicious. I thanked it and walked towards the forest.
The forest was pretty, and had an abundance of acorns, which was an indibnibly good coincidence because I could cook them on some scrap tin I carried around. I looked around, and asked lots of Mtn. Dews where to find the straw. They pointed deep into the forest, and I went into the darkness that was soon looming - for, you see, it was getting to be a dense forest about a hour into the hike. I got out my flask and drank some - I was following a stream, figuring the straw would live along it, and also for the water and food supply. As darkness fell, I realized that I had forgotten to bring a tent. Luckily, I was a Boy Scout, and I had my trusty backpack. I looked through it. The contents were: a water bottle with filter, some matches, a spark rod for starting fires, some cotton balls soaked in Vaseline, my overstuffed first-aid kit, binoculars, a tin plate, a pocket knife, a headlamp, a tarp, and a large spool of rope. I rigged up a shelter with my tarp, and slept the night.
In the morning, I awoke with the birds. It seemed just like an ordinary camping trip, until I realized that I had a mission to complete. I started walking.
Chapter 2
A week later, I was snacking on some properly prepared acorns as I walked. I forgot to look where I was going, and felt something twang against my leg. I looked down. It was a trip wire, and I had just set it off. A net lifted me up, and I was surrounded by a clan of Big Reds. They were wearing war paint, and carrying blowguns. Then something (a dart?) pricked me in the shoulder. I conked out.
“We are the Gooba-Goobas, the-”
“SSSH! That ISN’T your job!” “Oops. Sorry.” “Ahem. We are the Gooba-Goobas, the most feared tribe in the whole forest!” a high, reedy voice piped up. “We have captured you, and you are now our prisoner!” “YAAAY!” A storm of cheering broke out. “If you wish to escape eternal captivity - “ “SSSSSH!” “Oops.” “If you wish to escape eternal captivity,” a deep, rumbling voice declared, “you must teach us something useful.” “ . . .” Silence reigned. “Psst. It’s your turn.” whispered the deep rumbling voice. “Oh. If you teach us something dumb, you will be exploded! The last person taught us how to do this. It was very useful.” “Wait, do what?” I inquired. “Well, explode things, obviously! Now, back to our ancient tradition.” “What will you teach us?” I thought for a minute. When I looked around, I saw that the houses were very primitive. There was also a clay-filled river. “How about how to make clay bricks for houses?” I asked. “What is this strange ‘Clay Bricks?’ Is it useful?” inquired the head Gooba-Gooba. “Clay bricks are little hard rectangles of dried fancy mud. They can make draft-free houses.” “What do you need to make clay bricks?” “One tree limb, cut into planks, the use of that shovel over there, and a fire. And clay, of course.” The Gooba-Goobas began gathering materials. I began carving.
A week later, there were two small kilns where four Gooba-Goobas were firing bricks. Three Gooba-Goobas were molding bricks, and there was a large pile of finished bricks. The rest of the Gooba-Goobas were building another kiln, and the first house. Soon the other kiln was up and running. A month later, the first house was complete! The head Gooba-Gooba moved in, and enjoyed it greatly. Then I had another idea. “How about paved roads?’’ “What are ‘Paved Roads?’ What do they do?” the Gooba-Gooba chief questioned. “They make walking easier. We just need more bricks.” “Well then, let’s make a factory!” the head Gooba-Gooba declared. “Factory” soon became the Gooba-Goobas favorite word. It was about a week later, and the Gooba-Goobas were busy in their new factory. I walked inside the new factory, “Gooba-Gooba Inc,” and saw kilns burning, Gooba-Goobas singing about… oh gosh, human brains, and some Gooba-Goobas dancing a war dance around the largest kiln. “Gooba-Goobas!” I cried, clambering atop the largest pile of clay blocks, “you have become a great civilization! You are not the crazy land of Big Reds you used to be! You are all now a sophisticated society, with large and nice houses being built! In return, I ask for a piece of advice from your chief!” The Gooba-Goobas muttered among themselves, wondering what they should tell the chief. Finally, the medecine Gooba-Gooba stepped forward, and said in his deep, hollow voice, “yoooou, Leooo, have helped the Gooooba-Goooobas in our society! Hooow- ever, the Big Chief is off on a quest toooo seek Biiiiig Fred, who wants to steal the fooooundation of our factory, I shall answer your questiooooon…” “Well, er,” I muttered, “I really don’t know who Big Fred is- can you- possibly- tell me?” The mention of Big Fred sent the crowd of Gooba-Goobas into uproar. The medecine Gooba-Gooba glared at me. “Weeeell, little thingamabob, Biiiiig Fred is a Matador. He has three Buuuuud Lights, a couple of Coors Lights, and a lot of Coronas under his command. He iiis very evil.” “But what is his backstory? Does he like machines? Why is he evil?” I asked. “Because he iiiis Biiiiiig Fred,” replied the medecine Gooba-Gooba. Deciding I would get no better answer than that, I simply said, “O medecine Gooba-Gooba, I seek the last straw! Where will I go to find it?” The Gooba-Goobas looked amongst themselves, muttering about Big Fred. Finally, the medicine Gooba-Gooba’s apprentice said loudly,“that we cannot help you with- we shall pack you food and send you on your way, with a map to help you find your way around this planet. Good luck, Leo.” “GOOD LUCK, LEO!” All the Gooba-Goobas yelled. I blushed.
About five minutes later, I was handed a sack of food and water, along with a map. 🗺 “GOODBYE LEOOOOOOOO!” All the Gooba-Goobas yelled. “WE WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH!” The Gooba-Goobas waved to me until I was out of sight.
It was two days later, and I was in the middle of a leafy forest. It looked like autumn here, but it was still rather warm. I was walking placidly along, until I heard a noise. Crackle. Snap. Pop. “I said we shoulda left the milk at home, Crackle,” said a deep voice. “Yes, Pop, I know,” said a girlish voice. “You’ve been bugging me and Snap about it ever since we left.” “Oh, stop crackling, Crackle,” said the first voice, Pop. “Just SHHHHH!” A new voice- Snap, I assumed- hissed. “He’ll hear us, y’know.” “Just quit snapping at me, Snap,” Pop said. “I happened to hear you!” I called. “Who are you?” I practically leapt out of my skin as three puffed rice grains waddled into the clearing. They were obviously grains of Rice Krispies. “Snap, Crackle, Pop,” grumbled the first grain. He was very thin and taller than the rest of the rice puffs. He had a tiny face which poked out from where his hips would be. “I’m Crackle!” Said the girl. She was shorter than the other grains, with a face up at the top of her puffed cereal piece. “I am Snap,” said the third puffed rice piece. He was taller than Crackle, but shorter than Pop. His face was at his midsection. I realized that all of their faces were at the same height. Suddenly, the clouds broke open, and a huge spoon scooped down, and lifted Snap, Crackle, Pop and me into the clouds.
Chapter 3
Me, Snap, and Crackle screamed as we were lifted into the sky. Pop seemed completely undisturbed. “WHERE ARE WE GOING?” I screamed. “D-DON’T WORRY!” Crackle stammered. “I-IT’S JUST TAKING US BACK TO THE WORLD OF CEREAL!” World of cereal… world of drinks…other worlds…
So there was a way out. But I had to find the last straw. “See, we fell through a portal,” Pop muttered. He still seemed unperturbed. “Purple, swirly thingymadoodle. Welp, we all happened to fall out of our box just as the portal came-” “WE ARE HERE!” Snap yelled. “BE QUIET, POP!” a flash of blinding light made spots dance in my vision, and I squinted, trying to make out where we were. And then, I landed with a splash in water, I tried to take a breath, but the water, which was white as milk shot up my nose- my mouth- into my head, it seemed- And then I surfaced, hacking and coughing as I exhaled water from my lungs. And then I realized what it was. Not water. Milk. With a plip-plip-plip Snap, Crackle, and Pop landed next to me, snapping and crackling and popping even more merrily than before. “Yeep!” Crackle exclaimed. “Yes, we’ve come out of The Box! We’re going to be eaten!” I could not see exactly why they were so excited about being eaten, but they were cereal, after all. Made to be eaten. And then it happened. The spoon- silver this time- sped towards us. I screamed. It scooped Snap, Crackle,Pop several unknown puffed rice grains, and me into the air. “Yaaaaaaaay!” all the cereal cried. “To digestion and beyond!” Crackle screamed. “To the stomach acid!” Snap exclaimed. “To the esophagus!” Pop yelled. “AAAAAHHH!” I screamed. “HEEEEELP!!!” I was freaking out, especially when I saw that the lady was my mother. Mymother was going to eat me. “Mom!” I yelled. “I’m your son! LEOOOO…” and then she raised the spoon into her mouth. I was surrounded by chomping, white, bizarrely slobbery molars. I clung desperately to a tooth as she swallowed. When she opened her mouth for her next bite, I jumped. PLIPPEDY- PLOPPEDY! I landed, and a huge wave of milk crashed over me. “Mmm,” my mom mused. “Looks like a fly.” she reached down and as her fingers were about to close around my gray shirt, I leapt onto her chipped, red-painted nail, and as she jerked her hand up towards her eyes in surprise, I let go and flew towards her nose. I crawled inside. I saw a swirling, purple portal, beside a fresh, unopened Matador drink. If she sneezed, I would be thrown across the two feet of the counter, and I would get back to the World of Drinks! She just had to sneeze… I yanked one of my mother’s long nose hairs. ACHOOOO! She sneezed loudly and I flew one foot too far. Scrambling to my feet, I began to scramble towards the Matador can, the spinning black portal… And then I saw my mother, advancing with a bright yellow fly swatter. “NOOOO!” I screeched, scrambling closer towards the portal. But my mother was getting closer. I leapt the last inch or two, and disappeared into the portal just as the flyswatter smashed down. Poor flies. I was in a black, swirling cloud. Strange graffiti surrounded me. I screamed, gasping for breath as a plume of foul air surrounded me… I looked around. I had no idea where in the world of drinks I was, but somewhere in a deep, foul-smelling forest with black trees. A Matador drink can… a black portal… graffiti… Oh no. A slithery sound filled my ears, and then someone banged me on the head. Big Fred, I thought briefly. Then I blacked out.
*
I awoke to an evil murmur of deep voices. “O massster, ssshall we awake him?” “No, Litherthang. We shall not..” Suddenly, the first voice, Litherthang, spoke. “Massster, he isss awake. We ssssshall sssee if he wantssss to work with usss.”. I kept my eyes shut, trying to process what was going on. First I'm in a world of drinks, then I am almost eaten by my mother. I can’t even begin to imagine where I am now. “Welcome child, open your eyesss." I did as I was told, and was surprised when I didn’t see a giant talking snake with its conniving master. Instead, there were two relatively normal looking people looking at me with expressions I couldn't quite place. “Wait a minute” I asked, “Where’s Nagini, where’s Voldemort? I was hoping this would be a novel kidnapping, but you guys are regular people!” Litherthang, who I thought had been a snake, sighed, “We were sssscared you would sssssay that.” The second man spoke, “My name is legitimately Master, I don’t know what my parents were thinking. Litherthang is often mistaken as a snake if you haven't seen him, in reality he just has an articulation disorder.”. After a moment I got over my unrealistic kidnapping expectations and tried to find out what they wanted with me. “Well that’s the thing, have you noticed weird things happening, or being seemingly transported into a crazy different world?” Master asked. Shocked, I replied, “Yes, yes exactly! How on earth did you know, and do you have any idea why?”. “Your father is working on a top secret project for the government. He was trying to find a new world- a world of drinks. However, he could not find the code to return. Your father- he would be killed if he did not complete the code by a certain time. So, Leo, you need to get back to save your father. Even if you return without finding the Last Straw.” “But Master,” I said, “You can only get out of the world of drinks by the Last Straw… right?” Master looked at Litherfang. “Well,” Litherfang hissed, “we were going to ssssssay that eventually. But, we ssssssaid- well, Massssster ssssssaid-” “No, you said,” Master countered. “No, it wassssss you!” Litherfang countered. This debate of ‘who said’ ended by Master informing Litherfang that he was a crazy lunatic, and that he, Master, was in charge. “Well,” Litherfang began nervously, “You ssssssee, I”-He shot a dirty look at Master- “ssssssaid that you are too young to know that you can esssssscape the world of drinksssssss without the Lassssssst Sssssssssstraw. But, it would caussssse the world of drinksssss to… collapsssssse.” “WHAT?” I cried. “But Master, Litherfang, I can’t do that!” Suddenly, I stopped. “Wait, how are you guys here?” “We were sssssscared you would ssssssay that,” Litherfang sighed. “It’s a long ssssssssstory.”